I read Jonathan Alter's column in this week's Newsweek entitled, "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged" about the decision that John and Elizabeth Edwards made to keep campaigning despite the fact that Mrs. Edwards' cancer has returned.
Alter is trying to get others to realize that unless you walk in someone else's shoes, you truly cannot begin to imagine what is going through their head. I have experienced this type of situation (in a much different dimension though) before and it always amazes me how people think they understand how you feel or what is going through your mind without knowing what you are experiencing.
I recall a former friend of mine who, though she thought she was helping me, was extremely judgmental and tried to tell me what she thought I was thinking and then told me what I should do. Here's the scenario...she, I, and several other of our friends would go out to the bars. We were all single and I was the lone person of the group who was obese. Going to the bars was not my favorite activity, but I would go to be with my friends. If a group of guys would come up to talk to us, I usually shut down and wasn't very friendly to them. I know where this was coming from; it came from years of rejection and a need to not have to deal with it one more time. My friend (at the time) talked to me after the fact and said that the reason I was never going to have anyone come up to talk to me was because of the fact that I came across so coldly and I just should open up and all would be fine. Though I do agree that the fact I was so cold had something to do with it, I also had a serious self-esteem issue going on due to my self-image perception and let's be honest...I don't think "all" would be fine if I just opened up. The next time we went out and I actually talked to the guys that came up was even more of an amazing exchange between me and this former friend. She told me how proud of me she was that I was able to do this...maybe her heart was in the right place, but this was probably the most patronizing thing that could have been said to me!
What in the world does this have to do with John and Elizabeth Edwards you ask? I apologize for the rant. Those who think they made the decision to continue campaigning purely for political gain need to realize that they will never walk in the Edwards' shoes. This decision may have everything to do with living life and not letting cancer beat them than it does with political gain. Please understand that though everyone is entitled to an opinion, try to step back and realize that unless you've lived in someone else's shoes, you truly do not understand why they do what they do. This is extremely valuable in an efforts you make to try to understand someone who is different.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
How Do I Look?
I was channel surfing last night before going to bed and came upon a show on the Style Channel called, "How Do I Look?" The show is about choosing someone who they believe is in need of a makeover and performs some sort of "intervention" with family members or friends to get the subject to learn the error of his or her ways in the manner in which he/she dresses.
This show was painful for me to watch. The poor girl, a senior in high school, was the subject of this episode. Both her mother and sister were in on the intervention. The mother told her daughter that she would never get a boyfriend if she continued to dress the way she did. The girl's sister told her that when people ask who she is, she does not tell them that she is her sister, but instead her cousin because she is embarassed to be seen with her.
I watched the expressions on the girl's face when these comments were made. She was visibly shaken and started to cry. In addition, the show's producers allowed the mother and sister to take pieces from the girl's wardrobe and throw them out. Each person decided to choose a piece of clothing the girl happened to be wearing at the time...they didn't choose from the large pile of clothes in front of them. They literally went up to the girl and made her give up her shoes and a shell she was wearing so they could be thrown away. This deeply troubled the girl as she felt very comfortable in what she was wearing.
Please understand that I truly believe in people putting their best feet forward and project a great image, but to tell a person she will never receive the attention from a boy because of the way she is dressed or tell her that you are embarassed to be seen with her is extremely hurtful. It amazes me that people televise this...the girl was in obvious emotional pain, yet that was not a concern. Does "the show must go on" mean at the expense of someone's self-esteem?
I believe these types of shows just fuel the superficial judgment that is out there. How will we ever accept people for what is inside when we continue to judge based on what is outside?
This show was painful for me to watch. The poor girl, a senior in high school, was the subject of this episode. Both her mother and sister were in on the intervention. The mother told her daughter that she would never get a boyfriend if she continued to dress the way she did. The girl's sister told her that when people ask who she is, she does not tell them that she is her sister, but instead her cousin because she is embarassed to be seen with her.
I watched the expressions on the girl's face when these comments were made. She was visibly shaken and started to cry. In addition, the show's producers allowed the mother and sister to take pieces from the girl's wardrobe and throw them out. Each person decided to choose a piece of clothing the girl happened to be wearing at the time...they didn't choose from the large pile of clothes in front of them. They literally went up to the girl and made her give up her shoes and a shell she was wearing so they could be thrown away. This deeply troubled the girl as she felt very comfortable in what she was wearing.
Please understand that I truly believe in people putting their best feet forward and project a great image, but to tell a person she will never receive the attention from a boy because of the way she is dressed or tell her that you are embarassed to be seen with her is extremely hurtful. It amazes me that people televise this...the girl was in obvious emotional pain, yet that was not a concern. Does "the show must go on" mean at the expense of someone's self-esteem?
I believe these types of shows just fuel the superficial judgment that is out there. How will we ever accept people for what is inside when we continue to judge based on what is outside?
Monday, March 26, 2007
Top Five Ways to Become a Better Person who Accepts Others who are Different
Have you ever thought about how you can take simple actions to learn more about people that are different than you? Below are five simple things you can do to help you understand someone who is diverse. Sometimes it takes getting out of your comfort zone, but you just might have one of those "a-ha" moments. Try these things and see if you look at the world a little differently afterwards...
1. Spend a day in someone else's shoes...attend an all-black church, go to a gay club, sleep outside in a cardboard box. Put yourself in a situation where you are the only one of your kind. Take note of the feeling you get when you are there...uncomfortable, isn't it? Remember that these individuals feel this way EVERY DAY when they are the only ones of their kind in the workplace, social group, neighborhood. Once you get a feel for what it is like, perhaps you will understand what it is like to be a "minority" a bit better.
2. Spend time with someone who is different than you (age, race, gender, national origin, religion, mental or physical ability, sexual orientation, socio-economic status). Have a meaningful conversation about the things that make you different, but also of the things that make you similar. It can be very difficult to discuss these things, but if done in a respectful way, many people are very willing to talk to you to help you understand how they see the world.
3. Act as a mentor to someone who holds a lower level in society than you do. Find out about the barriers they have to achieving their goals. Is it education? Is it how they were socialized throughout their lives? Learn about the concept of "cumulative disadvantage" and realize that sometimes achieving lower levels in society is not as simple as the person being less ambitious than the next.
4. Put a slide show together of pictures of people of different races, genders, ethnicities, etc. and show it to children above the age of 5. Ask them to tell you what type of person each is. Record the responses. Then show this slide show to children under the age of 5. Record the responses. How do they differ? Why do you think they differ? Could it be that adults have passed on their biases to their children? Understand that people are not born with biases...they acquire them over time from others.
5. Go to a new ethnic restaurant every month in different neighborhoods within your community. Go to neighborhoods you typically would not go into. Eat at restaurants you never knew existed. Try different cuisines (soul food, Pakistani, Middle Eastern, etc.). Follow this experience up with learning about the cultures of each group represented.
Have you ever thought about how you can take simple actions to learn more about people that are different than you? Below are five simple things you can do to help you understand someone who is diverse. Sometimes it takes getting out of your comfort zone, but you just might have one of those "a-ha" moments. Try these things and see if you look at the world a little differently afterwards...
1. Spend a day in someone else's shoes...attend an all-black church, go to a gay club, sleep outside in a cardboard box. Put yourself in a situation where you are the only one of your kind. Take note of the feeling you get when you are there...uncomfortable, isn't it? Remember that these individuals feel this way EVERY DAY when they are the only ones of their kind in the workplace, social group, neighborhood. Once you get a feel for what it is like, perhaps you will understand what it is like to be a "minority" a bit better.
2. Spend time with someone who is different than you (age, race, gender, national origin, religion, mental or physical ability, sexual orientation, socio-economic status). Have a meaningful conversation about the things that make you different, but also of the things that make you similar. It can be very difficult to discuss these things, but if done in a respectful way, many people are very willing to talk to you to help you understand how they see the world.
3. Act as a mentor to someone who holds a lower level in society than you do. Find out about the barriers they have to achieving their goals. Is it education? Is it how they were socialized throughout their lives? Learn about the concept of "cumulative disadvantage" and realize that sometimes achieving lower levels in society is not as simple as the person being less ambitious than the next.
4. Put a slide show together of pictures of people of different races, genders, ethnicities, etc. and show it to children above the age of 5. Ask them to tell you what type of person each is. Record the responses. Then show this slide show to children under the age of 5. Record the responses. How do they differ? Why do you think they differ? Could it be that adults have passed on their biases to their children? Understand that people are not born with biases...they acquire them over time from others.
5. Go to a new ethnic restaurant every month in different neighborhoods within your community. Go to neighborhoods you typically would not go into. Eat at restaurants you never knew existed. Try different cuisines (soul food, Pakistani, Middle Eastern, etc.). Follow this experience up with learning about the cultures of each group represented.
I would have to say that I was pretty stunned by the words of Tony Dungy, Head Coach of the Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts, stating that marriage should only be between one man and one woman. Being touted as somewhat of a "pioneer" in his profession as being the first African-American coach to win a Super Bowl, it still amazes me how someone can, on one hand, talk about how important it is to be color-blind when it comes to opportunities, yet then can completely discriminate against another group of people. Tony...think about what you are saying. You are basically saying that it is wrong to discriminate against people based upon the color of their skin, but it is OK to discriminate based on sexual orientation. Was our country not founded on the principles that all men are created equal? Why would it be OK to apply this to one group and not another? This double standard does not work with me.
Tim Hardaway, former basketball star, came out recently to say that he "hates" gay people. Hate is quite a strong word. Again, when it was African-Americans facing this type of hatred, it was wrong; when you show this type of hate towards another group, somehow it isn't wrong? Help me understand this.
The beauty of this country is that everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, when it comes to hate speech, people (especially those in the public eye) need to realize that their words can be so contradictory that they set back their own causes by many years. Why would I stand by Tony Dungy's or Tim Hardaway's side when they fight against discrimination for African-Americans when they discriminate against gays? I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of person this way. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated and it will come back to you in positive ways. I would be happy to stand next to anyone to fight for their causes if they truly believe in their hearts that everyone should be treated with respect and be given the basic human rights afforded to the masses.
Tim Hardaway, former basketball star, came out recently to say that he "hates" gay people. Hate is quite a strong word. Again, when it was African-Americans facing this type of hatred, it was wrong; when you show this type of hate towards another group, somehow it isn't wrong? Help me understand this.
The beauty of this country is that everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, when it comes to hate speech, people (especially those in the public eye) need to realize that their words can be so contradictory that they set back their own causes by many years. Why would I stand by Tony Dungy's or Tim Hardaway's side when they fight against discrimination for African-Americans when they discriminate against gays? I tend to be an "all or nothing" type of person this way. Treat everyone the way you want to be treated and it will come back to you in positive ways. I would be happy to stand next to anyone to fight for their causes if they truly believe in their hearts that everyone should be treated with respect and be given the basic human rights afforded to the masses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)